Pirates
Pirates
October 30, 2009
By David Manthos
Copy Editor
Pirates, ninjas and zombies seem to be frequently categorized as equals, which is terribly unfair. These opposing clans are as different from each other as night and day, and in the end, only the pirate emerges as the best.
Pirates vs. Zombies. With no ill will intended toward the many lovers of zombie lore, these creatures are hopeless wrecks that cannot hold a candle to the grandeur of pirates.
The only true terror the traditional zombie has is its grotesque appearance, and more importantly, the power of sheer numbers. It is a terrifying thing to face thousands of walking corpses, but it takes no innate greatness to be powerful en masse. Alfred Hitchcock proved to us that birds can be terrifying when they act as a group, and perhaps our own squirrels could be equally frightening. Besides, what classic zombie has any epic line to say besides unintelligible mumble about brains? Pirates, on the other hand, have witty lines ranging from "Why is the rum always gone?" to the elegance of Lord Byron's "Corsair." So in a contest between a gory mess of a zombie and a dashing Gentleman of Fortune, the pirate will always have the zombie's head.
Pirates vs. Ninjas. Ninjas have far more in their arsenal than the zombies' one-track mind, but ninjas fall flat on their face in front of the audacity and bravery of pirates. Ninjas sneak around the dark, afraid to face their enemy because the element of surprise is their best weapon.
On the other hand, pirates boldly go into battle with saber flashing and a hearty "Arrgh!" A ninja is a dreadful thing to meet alone at night, but when you need someone with the courage to face down cannon and sword in battle, a pirate is always your best matey.
Of course pirates can be treacherous if you have dealt dishonestly with them before, but a pirate will only stab you the back so hard. A ninja will slink away into the darkness with hurt feelings and train for years with the sole purpose of getting revenge.
Pirates never waste their time on single-minded temper-tantrums; they maintain capitalist goals and can manipulate the actions of entire navies and companies in the broad game of life.
Pirates themselves are not always the raucous, grungy fellows of Hollywood either, and there is further proof of their nobility and right to a higher position than walking corpses or slinking shadows. John Paul Jones, the father of our modern U.S. Navy was by all rights a pirate and hated by the Britishwhilenotorious pirate Black Bart kept a ship your mother would approve of.
Good examples of pirates aren't just in the past though, our modern world's icons of power, prestige and money are all excellent pirates. Doctors cut you open and charge a ridiculous sum for the pleasure, lawyers make their fortune out of others's misfortune and politicians - what can I say?
Be a pirate and be proud of it! After all, from Blackbeard to Dick Cheney and from Sparrow to Marsha Clark, there are so many to choose from!
