Zombies

Let's get right to the heart (or the brain) of the matter: Zombies are inherently better than pirates or ninjas. 

This is obvious to the well-informed reader, but I'll explain for those who don't know. First, let me rip apart the unconvincing arguments extolling pirates and ninjas.

Ninjas are glorified stalkers with small knives. They tiptoe around at night wearing burqa-like garb, evading detection from the eyes of their enemies. Sure, it sounds romantic. But what power do ninjas hold? If an aging housewife can sneak back into her house after an adulterous romp with her lover, I fail to see what makes ninja's stealth so special in the eyes of so many.

Pirates, on the other hand, are alcoholics, imbeciles and full of syphilis. Perhaps I'm "modernized" and don't find the appeal in spending months not bathing on a ship with twenty other unemployed men. Perhaps I don't understand the adventure in using a half-blind parrot as a guide in searching for delusional treasure.

But one thing is for sure: Pirates are dying out. Yes, the Somalian pirates elicited a renewed interest in pirate-state relations. Yes, Johnny Depp heightened the pace of every acne-faced fan-girl's heart in his three abhorrent films. If pirates cannot even find the time to propagate their DNA, I find no reason to trust in their abilities. Plus, "Arrr" is getting so annoying. Pirates need to Arrrest the Arrrchaic and Arrbitrary use of Arrr in ordarrr to be incorparrrated into the modarrrn world.

Zombies are by far the best option. With collective action, mindless people can achieve much-see House Party Weekend and the Republican National Convention. Zombies have a distinct mission and goal: to eat as many brains as possible in the shortest amount of time. Their tenacity in pursuing this goal is unrivaled. They do not suffer the shortcomings of petty human emotions, like greedy pirates and vengeful ninjas. Zombies are only concerned with their own survival. This is a huge advantage that zombies have over ninjas and pirates.

Lastly, zombies are American: They conform to free market ideals, believe in survival of the fittest and are willing to fight their way to the top to procure more brains. They believe that all zombies are created equal, and uphold those ideals of liberty that matter most to Americans. 

A vote against zombies would be a vote against America. And you aren't anti-American, are you?